Unsuccessful Success

Maharaj Krishen Santoshi


When I was in class eleven
My teacher taught me
be happy- spit at the world!

Forty years have passed.
The line lives in me.
I am not happy.
Nor unhappy.

My teacher taught me to catch poetry.
My soul caught poetry
and I forgot to be happy or unhappy.
I lived in poetry. I learnt rhythm.
Rhythm brought me closer to words.
Words sank into my sense of duty
and this sense of duty
taught me action without words.

My teacher taught me the art of silence.
The art of silence walked me
through the path of written words.
Writing taught me the art of non doing.
Doing and non doing are the pursuits of worldliness.

My teacher taught me not to
preach but to listen without following.
Following means running away from Your self.
Running away from self means slavery.
“The other is hell.”

The desire for identity left me.
I crave awareness.
I crave for the answers to my questions.
I live in my questions.
My questions pull me away from the scriptures.
I seek refuge in the scriptures
when politics bores me.
The scriptures do not lessen my burden.

My teacher taught me to weep secretly.
I weep because I cannot utter the poisonous truth.
My laughter is my shield against lies.
My teacher smokes and drinks and loves erotica.
My teacher taught me not to
feel ashamed of anything
hidden or unhidden.
When I ask, “Who hides..?
The reply comes:
“the priest, the leader, the woman”

My teacher quotes .St. Augustine:
“O lord, give me Chastity, but not yet”.
Dear Sir,
I would have been a rich man
but you taught me to be rich without money.
I am rich,
Yes, I am rich…
because I don’t desire non-issues.

I have nothing to show
I have nothing to boast of
I have nothing to prove
I have nothing to reject

My teacher said to me:
“Live without the aid of books.”
I am trying to live….
Unsuccessful! Unsuccessful!
But the attempt is a success. A success!

(for Arvind Gigoo)